| memories keep haunting me, help me chase them all away.. |
[12 Oct 2011|03:11pm] |
ever since you left, i feel like a part of me has left too. nothing and no one is quite good enough even though, i know you're not good for me. the way i felt around you or even in the same crowded room as you is something i haven't found again. it's insane. i've been distant from everyone and everything and can't seem to find my way back.
i'm going through withdrawal. you're like a drug i'm addicted to. i'm starting to go insane because i've been without you for so long. i haven't been able to hear, see, or talk to you. it's crazy. i find myself constantly going back to you and i thought you leaving would make this so much easier. it's harder. ten times harder.
others have tried to get close and i find something wrong with every one. it's not fair to myself or anyone else because i need to quit you first. i need to rid you from my life and memories completely. i need to get out of this rut. i need to find my way back.
the only good that has come from this is how well i'm doing academically. i'm losing myself in my school work and my job. it's definitely paying off because in one of the hardest classes i'm taking, i got a 95.8 on an essay exam when the class average was a 70-something. BALLER!
i'm going to climb mt. nittany today to release some frustration and stress. hope all is well.
xx
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| getting my life together.. |
[30 Aug 2011|02:04am] |
new apartment, new semester, new roommate, new classes, new friends, new coworkers...
i'm just happy.
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| hope the end is well worth waiting for.. |
[24 Jul 2011|08:30pm] |
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in 6 months, i'll be 23. yuck.
anyway... summer is flying by! jeeeez. in less than a month i'll be starting classes again and all that.
this summer has been pretty bland. i'm getting sick of PA but it's just making me more motivated to get out. i'm working a lot and i have been basically living alone. stela & angie planned on being gone all summer but meng has been busy with classes and traveling the globe practically every weekend. it's been kinda nice doing my own thing.
i move to a new apartment in about 2 weeks. WOAH. i'm really excited to be living with gianna. i think it's what i need. it's an unfurnished place and reminds me a lot of my first two years in pineford. as much as i loooved this past year and got along really well with my roommates, i'm over it. there were certain things that i'm glad to be getting rid of. it's a new adventure that i'm very ready for.
i'm really missing home. like really really missing it. i'm usually okay with not being home but it's different. i wish i was home. i miss my family and my friends. i feel like my life is more normal in jersey if that makes any sense at all. happy valley is one of the happiest places on earth, don't get me wrong but i feel like people come to die here. lol. this shit that goes on here is not real life. these people need a serious reality check and at times, i feel like i do too.
i got promoted at work :) that's one of the top moments. it's a huge promotion and a whole new responsibility. i'm starting to look for a second job too. something that makes like cash. i applied to a few places today and i have a few places to hit in person on my next day off of work. i'm looking into bartending, doing promotions, babysitting, things like that.
the bad news.. i took a nap today and when i woke up my phone is wackedddd. idk what happened but it's not sending texts or it will every once in a while and i can't make phone calls and when i receive them, the call gets lost. GREAT. so a new phone will be in my future.. ideally the iphone or driod or something better than my old school piece of crap.
entourage tonight. win!
hope everyone is having a great summer! xoxo
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| but i believe that lovers should be tied together |
[11 Jul 2011|03:53am] |
"... even though i know you're still in love with him."
".. you still want him."
"say you're not."
you're finally saying things to me that i have been trying to hide for four years. i'm fighting back tears right now and surrendering because i can't keep fighting anymore. you're right. he's a drug to me and i haven't had my fix in so long that i'm going crazy without it. i thought i was stronger than this. he hasn't been around in so long yet i feel like he never left. i don't know what to do. i'm torn and probably throwing away some great things in my life but i can't seem to get away. i've been tossing and turning. i need to quit you. i need detox, rehab, something to make me get you away from me and my mind. you're killing me slowly.
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[02 Jun 2011|01:58pm] |
shit's too unbearable, but i'll never give it up.
it hurts too much, but i never get enough.
i can't describe it, but i've had it so long
i'm always feeling weak, when i know that i'm strong
with you i'm nothing, without you i'm minimal.
never been a hero, only a smooth criminal.
never been blessed, but never been cursed.
never been last, but never been first.
but i can't get rid of you...
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[11 May 2011|02:23am] |
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to be honest, i'd stilllllll ditch them all for a night with you.
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| I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. |
[01 May 2011|07:56pm] |
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today is may 1st. woah. when did that happen?!
so many things have changed since the last time i've updated.. i've been making bank (thank god), found myself disappointed in a few people (shame), and realized certain feelings that i've had towards people.
i found a new apartment that i move into in the middle of august. i'm really excited about a new change because i think that's what i need. the place isn't furnished so i'm excited to furnish it all by myself and i had my first ever trip to ikea when i was home for easter weekend. i love what i found and can't wait to place my order. i just need to write the check for my security deposit on the place and then it's all mine. i'm moving in with a good friend of mine, gianna. it's gunna be a good time and good for me. i'm getting sick and tired of certain bullshit in my apartment and definitely ready for new roommates.
the disappointment for me has been in 2 of my roommates, my neighbors and myself. my roommates just aren't who i thought they were and have made some things awkward and there's definitely a lot of tension in the place right now. i haven't seen my one roommate in almost a week because she has been avoiding me because she knows she's wrong. i don't really want to get into it because it's a long story. people just make me laugh and i'm sticking to myself and not trusting a hoe.
i've been spending a lot of time with my neighbors and one of the bros just did something shady so i'm walking away from that one. it sucks though because the kid sleeps right under me so it's hard to avoid him but whatever. my other neighbors are awesome and i'm so glad we're all close. i love those kids and not ready for this year to end.
i've been disappointing myself lately because i know i'm not living up to my potential but i made a vow today, as of may 1st, (lol) to change that. it's gunna be hard but i gotta do it.
aside from all that, i'm doing well. been doing a lot of me and what i want to do. i went to a formal friday with one of my good guy friends because his girlfriend couldn't come up for it and i had one of the greatest nights of my life. much needed night out in greek life. it was nice to have someone take me out to dinner, put my jacket on for me and just treat me with respect. even though i ended up at joe's late that night. lol. so classy.
well i'm out. time to be productive.
good luck on finals errrbody :)
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| hold your own, know your name and go your own way and everything will be fine. |
[13 Mar 2011|10:42pm] |
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i'm back at state. sitting in my room and ready to kick the rest of the semester's ass :) i feel rejuvenated & did a lot of thinking while i was home. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately actually and i've officially decided what i'm giving up for lent and let me say this may be my biggest challenge but it will end up with my greatest result if i follow through with it...
i've decided i'm giving up anyone who doesn't make me a priority in their life, mainly men. i'm doing me. don't get me wrong, i have been doing what i want but there's always someone i'm talking to and i need a break. i've just been incredibly frustrated lately and need to eliminate unnecessary crap from my life. so far it's going incredibly well! i feel great.
school starts again tomorrow and i'm actually excited about it. i haven't had that feeling in years. woah.
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| just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost |
[13 Mar 2011|12:08am] |
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i cannot believe how fast time flies. woah, hey march. i've had my ups and downs. i'm doing pretty well at my resolutions but i can be doing better. at least i'm improving from last year and that's all that matters. school has been really stressful and spring break couldn't have come at a better time. i spent a few days in the happiest of valleys & had a lot of catch up/ bonding time with my roommate stela who i really love. we went out, stayed in, laughed, cried and had an amazing time together. i worked a lot, like A LOT. i even put in a double shift on a saturday. which i will NEVER do i again. i was so exhausted by the time i was done. i've been needing an escape from PA and everything lately and i'm surprised i found that escape here in jersey. i feel refreshed and i'm ready to head back to state college tomorrow for classes monday. i got in late wednesday night and i caught up on sleep, did yoga, worked out, spent a lot time with my family, and caught up with laura. i feel really good. totally refreshed. i don't mind that i didn't go out once or anything. i had more fun at home than i think i would have had elsewhere. i cleaned out my room a little bit and came across a bunch of different things that i haven't touched in years. i found some notes and things from high school (including the sluts to do list), old books, and old memories that i had forgotten. just wanted to say hi & catch you up a little bit. nothing too exciting. happy spring break everyone :)
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| "I don't want to survive, I want to live" |
[21 Feb 2011|04:19pm] |
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 touched |
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The only way to describe THON is incredible. The love, energy, students, events in the room are amazing. you truly do not understand until you have experienced it. the weekend is an emotional rollercoaster. for those of you who don't know, THON is a 46 hour dance marathon. there is no standing for 46 hours while in the bryce jordan center that raises money for children with pediatric cancer. penn state doesn't make any money off of this, we just host it. all proceeds go to the hershey medical center and we are proudly the number one student run philanthropy in the world. it's amazing.
I think i slept 5 hours and that was around 4:30 saturday morning til 11 am saturday morning. you don't really want sleep. you're full of so much energy that you don't want to miss anything. i bonded with our partners a lot and danced so much and got to play with some of the kids. the bands, the performances and everything was awesome. I'm so glad i got to spend the pep rally on the floor with my big and our other dancers. our dancers did such an amazing job and i would love the opportunity to dance one day. I helped make a difference and I am so inspired. during the last four hours of THON, i cried, laughed, danced, and sang. it went by so fast and our total this year was over 9.56 MILLION DOLLARS. i couldn't believe it. last year, it was 7.8. i didn't think it would jump so high. my sorority and fraternity we're paired with placed in the top ten money raiser for greek organizations. 9th place with $103 thousand. WORD. i came home around 5:30 pm yesterday and slept until 2:30 pm today. damn. i feel fantastic. it's great to be part of something that's bigger than i am. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b9mQo1uzxQ
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| maybe in time, you'll want to be mine. |
[06 Feb 2011|09:15pm] |
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happy superbowl sunday! i hope everyone is enjoying football, commercials, wings & beer! :) alex came up this weekend for her birthday and it felt great to have her back. it was just like old times. lots of laughs, dressing up, dancing, shots, etc. etc. lol. i've missed her a lot. we still talk every single day and i'm really glad to have her in my life. money has been tight for me lately and it's been hard for me to adjust because i've never really had this problem. being bar-age has literally killed my bank account. i need to start saving more and i'm considering picking up a second job. i've looked at a few options and i could become an alcohol promoter. this seems like something i'm really interested in. it'd be a great way for me to meet people and make bank. i know a few girls that do it and they really enjoy it. i'm gunna submit my application tomorrow and see how it goes. hopefully it goes well. i'm going home friday with a few friends from school to go canning. i'm verrrry excited to be going home because it's been awhile and i can't wait to take friends! it should be a good weekend. i'm also gunna stop going out for a bit. i need a break because it's starting to get boring for me and that's not ideal. lol. i keep going out in hopes to see certain people and i usually do but i just can't do it anymore. i can't get attached again. at least not now. it's not right for either of us. but it's really really really hard to do. have a good week everyone! tomorrow's gunna be a loooong day. oh and it's gunna snow. typical.
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| I'm stretching but you're just out of reach . . . |
[25 Jan 2011|08:21pm] |
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woah. i'm 22. i'm not entirely sure how i feel about it. i'll get back to you on that.
i went canning this past weekend at the same place i went to last trip and i had the best time. we made $3100 which comes out to $310 a person. AWESOME! that's over a thousand more than we made last time. it was a co-ed trip and i had my doubts about it but it was one of the best trips i've ever been on. i'm getting very very close to these guys and i'm starting to feel like one of the brothers. lol. but yay for making bank!
my birthday was a complete shitshow. it doesn't compare to the poconos but it's a close second. it was gay night and i was excited to go out with my girls. yes, to the mezzanine. we had a rough time getting there because bitches weren't ready when i wanted to leave but when i got there, i had the best time. i blacked out within a half-hour. oye vey. needless to say, i spent all day yesterday in bed, dying. i feel like a brand new person today. woo!
as i was dying yesterday. two of my good guys friends came knocking on my door with a surprise... a dozen of red roses & a heart bouquet lollipop thing. it was the cutest thing ever & they're absolutely beautiful. it feels nice to be given flowers :) i'd love for it to happen more often. well i'm off to do some work, i'll probably head out for a little tonight. peace ouuuut.
"I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold"
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| i don't believe in fairy tales but i believe in you and me |
[20 Jan 2011|11:32pm] |
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so classes are in full swing and i really like my classes. my schedule is very light, only 12 credits and i'm done with classes very early except my 6-9 on monday nights but i can hang. lol. because i've been having too much free time, i just added another class that will get another one of my 400 level classes out of the way. i'm just about a week or so behind so i'll have to play catch-up.
the hoes, kevin & melvin came this past weekend and i had the greatest weekend i've ever had up here. i'm so glad they came. it felt good to let loose with my best friends at one of the craziest colleges around :)
i'm turning the big 2-2 on monday and i'm very blah about it. i'm going canning for THON this weekend so i'll start my celebrations sunday night. stoked!
the place i'm going canning is near philly which is near kev... i wanted to text him to tell him about it so maybe i could go see him but everything that has happened between us is keeping me from doing just that. i'm proud of myself. i'm a really different person when it comes to these things and it's a good change.
on the topic of men, a certain guy is back in my life. well. i guess he's never left but everything is really great between us now. i'm not overthinking anything. i'm just having fun and doing my thing. it's crazy that even 3 years, he still makes my heart jump when he walks into the room. the other night with him, was one of the best we've ever had. i'm fine with that. let's keep this going :)
today was a ballinnn day. i went to my 2 classes, was home by 1 pm. i napped until like 3:30 then went to the gym and decided to cook a lovely dinner for my roommates. it was cute. the first time the 4 of us have had a dinner together, just the 4 of us. we're also planning on playing in the snow later because it is snowing yet again in state college.
well, i'm off. kind of a pointless entry but i felt the need to update since it's been over a week.
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| and i'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense.. |
[10 Jan 2011|12:45am] |
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so classes start tomorrow and i'm excited for something new.
i went out last night for the first time being back with my one roommate and her friend. i'm usually so busy with sorority things that i rarely have time for my roommates or my apartment in general and i have vowed to change that this semester. i had the greatest time and i wish i had made more time last semester but i have good feelings about what's to come. i met some great people and saw some old. i did things that i rarely do in one night and it felt great. this morning i didn't feel too great but it was well worth it.
all the roommates are back and it feels good to have us back together but there's things you forget when living alone. like now, i'm literally exhausted and can't keep my eyes open but my roommates have these people over, not for drinking, just for hanging out and they're like screaming at each other and they know i went into my room to bed. i take that back, i think they're gunna start drinking.. i hear shot glasses. perfect. i guess i'm not going to be getting any sleep tonight and i don't think that's fair. i have to get up tomorrow at 7:15 to shower and go to class. this has just happened last semester too and i can't do it anymore. i need to find somewhere to sleep during the week because this shit ain't fair.
goodnight.
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[08 Jan 2011|01:47am] |
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"And maybe that's the key.. not resolutions and forgotten promises, but instead a commitment to do this year a little better than the last."
^ this is something i came across and i think it's the perfect way to describe what i want from 2011. i've been doing so many things for me and it's only a week into the year.
after all the snow we got in wayne i never wanted to see snow again, well at least this winter. and now, it's been snowing the past two days in State College and is going to snow all weekend. and it's going to be bitter cold next week and that is conveniently when classes start. totally lame. i've been making the best of it though. i've been super productive around my apartment and i've been watching movies i haven't had the chance to see.
my roommates come back tomorrow so that means it won't be so quiet around here anymore and i have mixed feelings about it. i've gotten really used to living all alone but it'll be nice to have someone else around and not just myself.
that's enough for now. almost bed time for me.
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| forget you & forget her tooo |
[05 Jan 2011|06:29pm] |
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i've been so productive and it feels FANTASTIC :)
on my day off yesterday, i woke up and made coffee & breakfast. after that i went to the gym then the bank then came home and cooked myself a nice dinner. i also did a load of laundry & some dishes. i was in bed around 11 pm and felt so well rested when i woke up this morning around 10:30.
i bought myself new running shoes that i LOVE. they were expensive but totally worth it. i tried them out at the gym today and couldn't believe how comfortable they are. sweet deal!
i have work tonight & i start my new management position(!!). i'm pretty stoked. i'm going in at 7 and i won't get out til around 2 am for inventory. at least i won't be dealing with customers so that's a plus.
people are finally starting to come back to state so i don't have to be lonely anymore. actually. i take that back. i haven't minded being alone at all. i'm really liking this new christine i have going on. i feel great. i find myself in a good mood all the time and no one except myself is responsible for this. woooo!
i can't believe classes are starting on monday but i'm ready to kick this semester's ass. bring it on.
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| wherever you are, whenever it's right. you'll come out of nowhere & into my life. |
[03 Jan 2011|10:28pm] |
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I'm back in state college again after a short week in jersey.
it's weird, i'm starting to refer to my apartment here as home instead of wayne. it's probably because i'm spending the majority of my time here, even on my breaks. i thought it would bother me but it really doesn't. i like being on my own. even though it gets really quiet without my roommates, i'm more productive. i'm more organized than i am during the school year. i get up, actually make coffee & an actual breakfast, shower, go to work, do laundry, dishes, run errands, cook. woah. hello housewife status. i'm currently sitting here, sipping hot chocolate, in my pajamas, getting ready to head to bed soon.
i still have my heart in jersey though. i wish i got more time to spend with my friends. i did actually spend a lot of time at my house and i owe most of that to the blizzard we had. it was nice. i went to NYC, played a lot of wii, went to the bars a few times, and spent new years eve with my closest friends. although i can't actually remember what happened after midnight. i did learn a valuable lesson; never drink a bottle of white wine by yourself in an hour. a blackout will occur.
2011 though is pretty sweet. i've been trying my hardest to be the best person i can and it's working out well. today, i reached out to some people i haven't talked to in a while and caught up. it felt great.
random thought: i need to plan something for my birthday.. i'm open to suggestions..
no work tomorrow so that means a day of cleaning, laundry, and sleeping in :)
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| 2011 - resolutions. |
[01 Jan 2011|08:35pm] |
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well hello livejournal, i've really missed you.
i have high expectations for 2011 and i don't know what has come over me but i feel more determined than ever to make some changes in my life. every year i vow to make these changes or do these things and i never end up going through with any of them. i'll be determined for the first few weeks of January and that determination quickly disappears..
(1) my first goal is to actually get through my goals for the entire year. i need a change and this is the perfect way to do it.
(2) write on here as much as i can. i've gone back and read my past entries and felt nostalgic. i feel more connected with myself when i write what's going on with my life and how i'm reacting to certain situations.
(3) go the gym during the week, monday through friday. i need something i can look forward to every day and i am always more self-confident whenever i'm done with a workout.
(4) do more things for myself, when i want to do them. i'm constantly doing things for others and what other people want to do. don't get me wrong, i don't mind but lately i've been just exhausted from trying to please everyone. it's my turn now. i enjoy staying in on the weekends sometimes and i enjoy cooking, a lot. little things like this i want to do for myself. i need to stop max-ing myself out. or at least, not as much. lol. i also need to realize i can't change everything. part of that involves me setting really high expectations for people which brings me to my next goal...
(5) not settle for anything less than i deserve. i know this is something i should always be doing but i have my slips. i've done a great job in improving this and i know i could go further. there's always room for improvement. 'nuff said on this subject, for now. i will definitely be having the most trouble with the last two goals.
this is gunna be a great year. i can't wait for my make-over (of my soul). i'm actually excited about this change and change normally makes me nervous.
things to look forward to - a kickass body (don't worry, my ass won't go anywhere), my 22nd birthday!, graduating college, a better christine.
happy new year to all of you. talk to you soon.
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[01 Oct 2010|03:10am] |
i hate this. this is not what i want.
when is it my turn. i'm sick of waiting.
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| turn me back into the pet i was when we met, i was happier then, with no mindset.... |
[16 Sep 2010|02:34am] |
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hello insomnia, we meet again..
it's been quite a long time since i've updated and now that i can't sleep because i had coffee around midnight, i guess i'll catch you guys up on my life.
it's senior year in college and i don't know how i feel about it. it's definitely bittersweet and i feel like something is missing. i'm happy here, of course, i just feel like i'm ready for a change or something. senioritis has kicked in full force; i have zero motivation to get up for classes, do work or sit in class. i'm just kind of over it and that's the best way i can describe it. my classes are great don't get me wrong but i'm done.
speaking of senior year, i have no idea what i wanna do when i graduate this year. do i go to grad school? and if i do, what do i wanna go to grad school for? do i wanna live home? do i want to move out? do i wanna take a year off and travel the world? i have all these questions and that's probably adding to my "lost" feeling. i've been doubting myself lately, especially when it comes to my career path. i change my mind every two seconds. i'll figure it out eventually i suppose...
there are no men in my life, for once, which is kind of working out. i'm having a lot of me time and i'm not used to it but liking it. i'm doing things that i want to do and coming home alone and sleeping in my big bed alone. the last part isn't my favorite considering i was spoiled this past semester but i'm starting to get used to it. i spoon with all the pillows i've added to my bed.
well i'm gunna try and fall asleep, i'll count sheep or something. i have an exam at 8 am.. FML.
hope all is well with everyone :)
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